


Only Connect - Fandom Edition

by AdaptationDecay



Category: Anthropomorfic, Fail_Fandomanon RPF, Meta - Fandom, Olympic Opening Ceremony (2012), Only Connect RPF, Royalty RPF, The BFG - Roald Dahl, Yuletide (Anthropomorfic)
Genre: #Yulechat Challenge 2012, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Interactive, Meta, Puzzles, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-22 09:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdaptationDecay/pseuds/AdaptationDecay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello and welcome to the semi-final of Only Connect: Fandom Edition, the show where the only reward for participating is confirmation that you're skilled at making tenuous connections and compulsively overthinking things. What that might have to do with fandom, I've simply no idea."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's meet the teams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dafna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dafna/gifts).



> This fanfic was originally posted piecemeal, so that the recipient could play the quiz. The fic is now complete, but if you'd like to take the quiz yourself, the questions are all in [Chapter Six](http://archiveofourown.org/works/608545/chapters/1132317), so read that first.

“Hello and welcome to the semi-final of Only Connect: Fandom Edition, the show where the only reward for participating is confirmation that you're skilled at making tenuous connections and compulsively overthinking things. What that might have to do with fandom, I've simply no idea.

And on that note, let’s meet the teams. Our first team tonight is composed of three people who all promote or develop fanfic. They are The Fans. Captain?”

The first contestant has a paper bag over her head.

“Hello Victoria, my name’s Nonnie and I post fanfic recommendations on an anonmeme called Fail_FandomAnon.”

The second contestant is a hippo in a tutu.

“My name’s Hippo and I’m an amateur dancer who works in the #Yuletide IRC channel.”

The third contestant looks like the lovechild of a tin of alphabetti spaghetti and a cheerful octopus.

“My name’s AO3 and I’m an archive for the Organization For Transformative Works.”

"Obviously our viewers will all be well aware what an anonmeme is, but just in case one of those _other_ people happens to pause while channel surfing from I'm a Z-Lister Get Me Some Publicity to The Only Way Is Dunstable, could you explain what that means?"

"It's a Livejournal community where all the posters are anonymous. Providing a forum for a fair and frank exchange of views or an epic wankstorm."

"And which do you have on FFA?"

"Oh, we try to mix it up a little. So, a bit of both."

"And if you're all anonymous, how do you know you're talking to the same person from one comment to the next?"

"You don't. We could have a membership of two extremely busy anons or one thousand casual users."

"So instead of the usual three contestants, your team has a potentially limitless number?"

"Yes. We're hoping it'll give us the edge."

“Well on that note, let’s meet the opposition. They’re all characters from this year’s Yuletide fandoms, but keen fans of the show will no doubt notice that something else connects them as well. Captain?

The first contestant is The Queen.

“I’m Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of this Realm and of my other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith and I’m appearing tonight as part of the fandom ‘Royalty RPF’.”

The second contestant is also The Queen.

“I’m Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of this Realm and of my other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith and I’m appearing tonight as a character from Roald Dahl’s book for children, ‘The BFG’.”

The third contestant, by contrast, is also The Queen.

“I’m Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of this Realm and of my other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith and I’m appearing tonight in my capacity as a performer in the ‘2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony’.”

“That’s team two and they are The Monarchs.”

The fans glare at The Monarchs, who smile and wave politely.

“So on to round one. If you look down at the board, you’ll see a collection of Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphs. When you select one, it will reveal a series of clues. I want to know what is the connection between the clues? 

If you can tell me after only one clue, you get five points and a stern lecture about cheating, since that’s basically impossible. If you guess correctly after two clues, you get three points. Three clues, two points and if you require all four clues, you’ll receive only one point. If you guess incorrectly or if you run out of time, I will throw the question over to the opposition for a bonus point. 

Now, The Monarchs have won the toss and will therefore go first. Your Majesty, would you please pick a hieroglyph for me?”

“Twisted flax, please.”

"Let’s see the first clue. Your time starts... now.”


	2. Round One

**The Rover**

The three queens huddle together over the monitor.

"Well that could be the book or the play..." 

"Or the car manufacturer."

"Isn't it a folk song? The one that goes 'No. Nay. Never'?"

"Hmm. Next clue, please."

**Battersea Power Station**

"Something about British industry then, if the first one is Land Rover."

"Is that specific enough?"

"Probably not. Next, please!"

**The Brownies**

"As in Girl Guides? We're not using them in industry are we?"

"Perhaps it's the camera. The Box Brownie."

"I'm afraid I've still got no idea. Next, please."

**Chitty Chitty Bang Bang**

"Ah, Ian Fleming and Baden-Powell were both in intelligence. I think this is about spies."

The middle queen presses the buzzer triumphantly.

"We think they're all things created by spies."

"You're quite correct, they were all created by people employed by British Intelligence. Can you tell me who they were?"

"Well, Ian Fleming wrote both Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and James Bond. Baden Powell founded the Brownies. Aphra Behn wrote The Rover while spying for England and I imagine the architect of Battersea Power Station was a former spy."

"Very close. Battersea power station actually refers to a painting by James Hart Dyke, who was artist in residence for MI6, meaning he was commissioned to create works of art that would give the public a better idea of what MI6 did, but also forced to sign the official secrets act promising he would under no circumstances let the public know what MI6 actually did."

Victoria pauses and smiles. Nobody laughs.

"Your Majesty, you worked with James Bond on the Olympics Opening Ceremony, is that right?"

"I did, indeed. He was very charming." 

"And that sequence makes you, I believe the oldest Bond Girl in existence: a nugget of trivia that our question setters are no doubt storing away for a potential connection in a future episode. Fans, if you could pick a hieroglyph?"

"Two reeds, please."

"Two reeds. I need the connection between these four items and your first item is..."

**Chintz**

"Okay, something about fabric. Or... it can mean something trashy too, can't it? Um... Next?"

**Biopsy**

"They're both, um... they... Okay I've got nothing. Next?"

**Almost**

"They're all six letters long?"

"Is that enough?"

"Probably not. Is it anagrams? I'm pretty sure it's a wordplay question."

"Do they all score the same in Scrabble?"

"No. You'd get way more for Chintz."

"Next, please."

**Abhors**

"That's six letters as well."

"So what do we want to go with?"

The hippo leans over and hits the buzzer before the timer can run out, then stares at Victoria with a flanicked expression.

"Yes?"

"Um. They're all six letter words?"

"They are, but I'm afraid I can't give it to you. I'm going to have to pass it over. Monarchs?"

"They're six letter words where all the letters appear in order."

"They are indeed six letter words where all the letters appear in alphabetical order with no repetition. So that's an extra point to The Monarchs. It's your board, so please select a hieroglyph."

"Lion, please."

"Lion and your first clue is..."

**Alice.**

"Princess Alice?"  
"Alice in Wonderland?"  
"Alice bands?"  
"Next, please."

**Christopher.**

"Oh. I think it's children from books."

"Are you sure?"

"Perhaps one more to be safe."

"Next please."

**Lucy.**

"Yes. We think it's protagonists from children's books who were based on real children."

"It is indeed. Can you tell me who they are?"

"Alice Liddell is the girl who inspired Alice in Wonderland. Christopher Robin Milne appeared in his father's stories about Winnie-The-Pooh and Lucy Pevensie from The Chronicles of Narnia was based on a real evacuee."

"And can you guess who the fourth clue might have been?"

"I suspect it's my good friend, Sophie."

"The fourth clue was indeed Sophie from The BFG, based on Sophie Dahl the fashion model, who was the author's granddaughter. So that's another two points to The Monarchs. Fans, please pick a hieroglyph."

"Eye of Horus."

"Eye of Horus and your time starts... now."

**Mysteries**

"The genre? I don't... um... next, please."

**Unknown and Covert Knowledge**

"That's not quite a synonym, but... Hmm. Next?"

**Administrative Affairs**

"Are they all the titles of something?"

"What, like Harry Potter and the Administrative Affairs? Wouldn't be much of a bestseller, would it?"

"I'd buy that." 

"Yeah, but you spent actual money on The Casual Vacancy, so..."

"Hang on, that first one _is_ Harry Potter."

There's a brief scuffle amongst the fans, then the buzzer gets pressed.

"We think this is Government De--"

"Fictional!"

"We think this is fictional government departments."

"They are indeed all fictional departments of the British government. The final clue which you didn't need would have been Social Affairs and Citizenship. Can you identify them?"

"The Department of Mysteries is in book five of Harry Potter. I'm pretty sure The Department for Administrative Affairs is the one in Yes, Minister. DoSAC is definitely from The Thick Of It, but I don't know the other one."

"That would be from Marvel comics. Where the Americans get acronyms like SWORD, SHIELD and HAMMER, while the UK ends up with the Department for Unknown and Covert Knowledge or DUCK. I suppose we should be glad it was a department and not a faculty. Monarchs, pick a hieroglyph."

"Water."

"And your time starts... now.

**Sharon Osborne.**

"Which one's she?"

"She's married to a singer who bit the head off a bat. She had a television programme about her family, but I think it aired after you were published," the queen from Royalty RPF tells the queen from The BFG. "Next, please."

**Marge Simpson.**

"It's wives, then. Famous wives and mothers from television programmes."

"One more to be safe?"

"Next, please."

**Jamie Oliver.**

"Not wives and mothers then."

"Probably not."

"Something to do with food? He was still very angry about school dinners when we gave him the MBE. Have they all complained about the food served in schools?"

"Perhaps. I don't remember either of the first two doing it, but I suppose it would be in character."

"Last clue, just to be certain? And if it's that Scottish girl with the blog, we've got it."

"Next, please."

**Mahmoud Ahmadinejad**

The timer is about to run out and the queen from the Olympics Opening Ceremony quickly presses the buzzer.

"I'm afraid I need your answer, or I'll have to pass this to the opposing team."

"My teammates and I," the Queen begins, projecting a confidence that she is probably not actually feeling, "believe that they have all complained about the quality of the meals served in schools."

Victoria looks at her, eyebrows raised.

"Mahmood Ahmedinejad?"

The Queen brazens it out saying "Absolutely. He strikes me as a very exacting person."

"And that's the answer you're going with, is it?".

"It's perfectly plausible."

"It's also completely incorrect in every particular. Fans? There are two points available if you can tell me what connects Sharon Osbourne, Marge Simpson, Jamie Oliver and Mahmood Ahmedinejad."

Nonnie shrugs, but Hippo leans forward.

"They've all been programmed against The Queen's Speech."

"They have indeed all been selected by Channel Four to present the Alternative Christmas Message at the time when the BBC and ITV are showing The Queen's Speech, which at least explains why The Monarchs were unable to make the connection." 

The Fans celebrate in hushed voices as Victoria continues.

"Mahmood Ahmedinejad presented the Christmas message in 2008, resulting in two hundred and ninety five complaints to OfCom. A figure which is small potatoes compared to the five hundred complaints we received for the recent episode of Only Connect: Fandom Edition, when we pitted The Captains America against The Captains Jack."

"I didn't see that one," Hippo whispers to Nonnie. "What happened?"

"It was three versions of Captain America against Jack Aubrey, Jack Sparrow and Jack Harkness."

"Sparrow and Harkness on the same team?" Hippo says. "I'm not surprised they got five hundred complaints!"

"Well, yes, but at least three times as many people wrote in asking for them to be given their own show, so I don't think--"

Nonnie trails off under the force of Victoria's stare.

"Um... sorry."

"So to continue with the game. Fans, you're left with Horned Viper, which is the music round. What connects these four pieces of music? Your time starts now."

"That's... I know that... It's... Bugger."

"It's definitely from the nineties. Is it the B-Side to Candle In The Wind?" Nonnie asks.

"Double A-Side," Hippo corrects her, "and it's not Elton John. I think it's the Jacko song that Jarvis ruined at The Brits."

"What's it called, then?"

"Dunno. It's the one with all the wailing. Next, please."

"Okay, that's Firestarter by Prodigy."

"Definitely. Next?"

"That's Handel's Water Music."

"Oh, the Michael Jackson one's called Earthsong!" Hippo remembers.

"Planeteers!" AO3 says, triumphantly. "The connection's Captain Planet!"

Nonnie gives AO3 a look of utter contempt and presses the buzzer.

"We think the connection is elements: earth, fire, water, air."

"And heart," AO3 mutters, sulkily.

"You're quite right. The songs were Michael Jackson's Earthsong, Prodigy's Firestarter, the hornpipe section from Handel's Water Music and had you carried on listening, you would have heard Sir Howard Blake's Walking In The Air from The Snowman."

There is a small sigh of recognition from The Monarchs, indicating that they would have guessed it from the latter clues, if not the former.

"You guessed it after three clues, so that's two points to The Fans, which means at the end of round one, the scores are Fans seven, Monarchs six."

Hippo punches the air triumphantly, saying "Yes! We rule!"

Then a quiet voice from the opposing team says "Well, actually..."


	3. Round Two

"Round two is all about sequences. I will show the teams the first in a sequence, they can then choose to see the second and third, but not the fourth, because the fourth is the answer. Monarchs, you'll be going first again, please choose a hieroglyph."

"Horned Viper, please."

"Horned Viper. First in a sequence, coming up. What's fourth? Your time starts now."

**A postage stamp**

"Is it us?"

"Things with our face on?"

"How much does a stamp cost?"

"I've absolutely no idea."

"Next, please."

**Zaphod Beeblebrox**

The second clue is greeted by a sea of blank faces.

"Are they a poet?"

"You're thinking of Benjamin Zephaniah."

"Next, please."

**The sigil of House Targaryen**

"Heraldry. We should know this."

"I don't recognise the family at all."

"Is it a Slavic family? I wondered if the name's derived from Tartar."

"Either way it doesn't help us with the seal."

"They do commemorative stamps, don't they? Perhaps there was a commemorative seal?"

"It still doesn't give us a sequence."

The Queens fall silent, staring intently at the clues and don't come up with any substantive guesses before Victoria speaks.

"Time's up, I'm afraid. I have to pass this one over to the fans."

A whispered conversation is taking place between The Fans.

"It's right!"

"I know it's right, but we need an _example_."

"I've got an example!"

Hippo smiles at Victoria.

"An echidna's penis."

AO3 gives Hippo an incredulous look.

" _That_ was your example?"

Victoria cocks her head to one side and says "You're going to have to exaplin that one to me."

"A postage stamp's got the Queen's head on it. Zaphod Beeblebrox is an alien from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy and he's got two heads. The sigil of House Targaryen in Game Of Thrones is a three-headed dragon and an echidna's penis has four heads, although only two of them get used. It's amazing what you can pick up from reading Wikipedia."

"Our question setter went with the slightly more prosaic answer of The Beatles, but the answer we were looking for was indeed something with four heads. So that's two points to The Fans. Please, pick a hieroglyph."

"Water, please."

"You've chosen Water and the first in the sequence is..."

**Paranormal**

The Fans all speak at once.

“Investigator,” says Hippo.

“Romance,” says Nonnie.

“Activity (Movies). Three fanworks archived,” says AO3.

They exchange a look, realise they’re probably not going to get further than that on one clue and say, in unison, “Next!”

**Psychic Abilities**

AO3’s tentacle shoots out and slaps the buzzer so hard that instead of ringing it lets out a surprised squeak.

“Telepathic sex!”

“Perhaps after we’re finished filming,” Victoria suggests kindly.

“It’s tags on AO3. Paranormal is the parent tag of Psychic Abilities which is the parent tag of Telepathy which is the parent tag of Telepathic Sex."

"And..."

"Oh, and Thought Projection."

"Which is what our question setter decided on," says Victoria, displaying the final clue. "Prude that he no doubt is. That's two points to The Fans. Monarchs, pick a hieroglyph."

"Lion, please."

"Lion and here's the first in your sequence."

**Sue**

"It could be a lawsuit or a woman's name."

"Or a boy's name. I'm sure there was a song about that."

"Next, please."

**Party**

"A lawsuit that leads to a party?"

"Hmm. Sue. Party. Sue. Party. Oh!"

The contestant from Royalty RPF, leans in and presses the buzzer.

"It's chefs."

"I'm sorry, I need you to give me the fourth in the sequence or I can't accept it."

"Commie, then."

"Is the right answer. They are all phonetic English representations of the different categories in the Brigade de Cuisine, in decreasing order of importance. A soux chef or sub chief is second in command, beneath them is the chef de partie or chief of party. You didn't need Quiz In E A for the cuisinier or basic cook and beneath them is the commis or junior cook. Who is above the soux-chef?"

"Chef de cuisine."

"It is indeed the chef de cuisine, meaning head of the kitchen, who is quite literally top of the food chain. Fans, pick a hieroglyph."

"Eye of Horus, please Victoria."

**Hitlers**

"There's no apostrophe."

"So more than one Hitler?"

"Maybe it's about The Boys From Brazil where they try and raise an army of child Hitlers?"

"Spoilers!"

"Seriously? It's from the _seventies_!"

"Next, please."

**Diver**

"Are there any divers in The Boys From Brazil?"

"Enough of the spoilers!"

"No, I'm thinking now it might be anagrams."

"Giving us, what?"

"Drive her slit?"

"Pervert."

"Next, please."

**Big Bird's Longhorn Allegros**

Nonnie actually stands up from her chair.

"It's that smug, melty-faced douchebag!"

She sits down apologetically under the force of Victoria's stare and presses the buzzer.

"We think it's... Wait, what's an anagram of Castle?"

"Sac let?"

"Such a perv. Fine. Sac let. We think the next in the series is sac let."

"Our question setters decided to go with cleats, but the point is yours. I think you've guessed the connection?"

"They're anagrams of stuff Nathan Fillion's been in. Slither, Drive, Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog and the most recent is Castle."

"They have indeed all starred Nathan Fillion. I take it you're not a fan of Mr Fillion, then?"

Nonnie stands up again ready to deliver a diatribe, but is forced to sit down and shut up by one of AO3's tentacles.

"She's not his biggest fan," says AO3. "Let's put it that way."

"Fair enough. Monarchs, if you'd care to pick a hieroglyph?"

"Twisted Flax, please."

"Twisted Flax and your first clue is..."

**四隻小鳥歌唱**

There is a certain amount of smirking from The Fans, who clearly feel that they have dodged a bullet.

"It's Japanese, isn't it?

"Well, come on. We've been to Japan."

"Yes, but not since the seventies!"

"She was published in '82." The queen from Royalty RPF gestures to the queen from The BFG. "It'll be fresher in her memory."

"I think the first one that looks like a stage might mean four?"

"Well, that's a start. Next please."

**Drei französische Hennen**

Three hands reach for the buzzer simultaneously.

"And a partridge in a pear tree."

"Is the right answer. They are, of course, the twelve days of Christmas rendered into different languages. 四隻小鳥歌唱 is four calling birds, in Chinese rather than Japanese, but of course a lot of the characters are the same. Drei französische Hennen is German for three French hens and you didn't need deux touterelles which is the French for two turtle doves. This particular carol is said to owe it's origins to a failure of translation, with the famous refrain actually being a phonetic rendering of the Latin phrase meaning 'she gave birth in the open' from an earlier carol about The Virgin Mary. Monarchs would you care to give us the Latin for 'she gave birth in the open'?"

"Et aperuit in aperto."

"The line about the five gold rings is no doubt the Latin for 'And I wish somebody would invent the epidural.' So that's two points to The Monarchs. Fans pick a hieroglyph."

"Two Reeds, please."

"It's a picture round and your time starts, now."

"That's the Rosetta Stone," says Hippo confidently. "It's probably going to be something about ancient artifacts or languages."

"It's got to be a sequence."

"The number of languages something's written in then. The Rosetta Stone's got three, so the next thing will have two or four."

"Fair enough. Next please."

"Bang goes your theory," says Nonny. "That's not ancient and it's got no languages on."

"What is it then?" AO3 asks.

"It's a fake that Banksy snuck into The British Museum. Cave paintings of shopping trolleys."

"The Rosetta Stone's in the British Museum. That's the connection."

"But we need a _sequence_."

"Next please."

"Is that The Elgin Marbles?"

"Aren't you supposed to call them the Parthenon Marbles?"

"Depends on whether you want to give them back or not."

"Does it matter?"

"I just wondered which name the question setter would use, because I thought the connection might be things called 'The Placename Object'. "

"Well what was the Banksy called?"

"No idea and it still doesn't give us a sequence."

"Well there isn't a sequence that I can see. They're not going chronologically or west to east or alphabetically--"

"Depending on what the Banksy's called, they might be going _reverse_ alphabetically."

"And depending on whether the question setter's Greek, because--"

Victoria interrupts. 

"Time's up I'm afraid, so I'm going to pass this over to The Monarchs. What's the final item in the sequence." 

"Blue and white porcelain?" 

"Is exactly what our picture editor chose and can you tell me why?" 

"Well, the Rosetta Stone is old, the Banksy is new and there's a school of thought that the Elgin Marbles have been borrowed from their proper owners..." 

"Leaving the porcelain figurine as the something blue. They are indeed things in the British Museum matching the wedding rhyme. So that's two points to The Monarchs." 

The sound of The Fans grumbling about unfair Greek question-setters can be heard under Victoria's announcement of the scores. 

"So with The Fans and The Monarchs both on twelve at the end of round two, they find themselves in the position that the producers of The Jeremy Kyle show will be in when the revolution comes... up against the wall." 


	4. The Connecting Walls

"Time now for the connecting wall. Sixteen clues all jumbled up which must be sorted into four connected groups of four. If you'd like to play along at home you can find the connecting walls on our website. We are of course always happy to facilitate our viewers playing with themselves."

The camera pans out to reveal Victoria and The Monarchs are standing around a touchscreen monitor on a pillar at chest height.

"Monarchs, would you like the Lion wall or the Water wall?"

"Lion, please."

"You're rejecting Water, as indeed I do every time I'm offered a drink. Okay, you've got the Lion wall, two and a half minutes to solve it and a maximum of ten points available, your time starts now."

Sweets," says the BFG queen immediately, "Marzipan, Marshmallow, Fudge, Divinity."

She presses them as she speaks. She's wrong.

"Virtues?" Olympics Queen suggests. If Divinity belongs with Patience, Hope and Charity, then the fourth sweet will be Scottish Tablet."

They try this. They're wrong.

"I'm going to keep trying..." mutters Royalty RPF Queen, who begins methodically punching in different combinations of the five suggested confections and virtues while the other Monarchs discuss the board.

"Spit, Bad, War and Cheat?" Olympics Queen wonders aloud, picking out the negative sounding items.

"It's Strong Bad, not just Bad. Do you suppose it's a band name?"

"Perhaps, but I don't recognise any others. Hmm, Bubs and Ombre both sound like things you'd call somebody in a Western. Maybe--"

She breaks off. Marshmallow, Fudge, Divinity and Tablet have been successfully cleared off the board.

"Which means our virtues are..."

Kindness, humility, patience and charity are removed in short order.

"Right," says Victoria. "You've got three lives remaining with which to clear the board."

The Monarchs confer.

"Cheat and War are card games," ventures one of the queens. 

"I think Spit might be as well," says another, "but I've no idea about the other connection."

The Olympics queen taps Cheat, War and Spit then hovers her finger over Pom Pom.

"Try it."

It's not Pom Pom. She tries again with Strong Bad. That's not right either.

"One life remaining."

The queen adds Cheat, War and Spit, then closes her eyes and stabs wildly at the board, hitting Ombre. 

The wall resolves.

"You've solved the wall. That's four points for the groups and you can get extra points for the connections of course."

The Monarchs sigh in relief.

"So, divinity, fudge, tablet, marshmallow..."

"They're confectionary."

"They are indeed all confections. Charity, patience, kindness and humility?"

"They're virtues."

"I'll accept that. They're specifically from the Seven Heavenly Virtues as set down by Aurelius Prudentius in the year 410 AD as a counterpoint to the Seven Deadly Sins with which I am of course much more intimately familiar. Ombre, War, Cheat and Spit?"

"We think they're all card games."

"As simple as that. They are indeed all card games. And what about the last four? Pom Pom, Marzipan, Strong Bad and Bubs?"

The Monarchs exchange an awkward look and BFG Queen decides to take a stab in the dark.

"They're all pop groups."

"They're not. They're actually all internet cartoon characters from the website HomestarRunner dot com. So that's an additional three points, giving you seven out of a maximum of ten. Now it's time to bring back The Fans."

The camera pans out and we see that The Monarchs have been replaced by The Fans.

"Fans, it's the water wall for you. You have two minutes to solve it starting now..."

"Stuff to do with painting. Art, Easel, Paper..." Hippo trails off. "Or, no! Body parts. Head, Hip... No. Sticks and Stones may break my bones?"

"But whips and chains excite me," AO3 says, automatically. They're already slapping at the board with their tentacles. "It's Stone, not Stones, which means we can put Joss Whedon with Joss Stone and Joss Sticks."

"Joss Paper! You burn it."

"Sick, Bad, Hip and Dope?" Hippo suggests.

"Manager, Supervisor, Boss and Gaffer?" Nonnie says at almost the same time.

AO3, who by common consensus is now the one entering their guesses onto the touchpad, tries both suggestions: both are wrong.

"Boss could be in either group," says Nonnie. "Somebody with employees or a word for something awesome."

"Let me try it." AO3 becomes a whirl of tentacles, entering different variations. "Head, Supervisor, Boss, Gaffer. Manager, Head, Boss, Gaffer. Manager, Supervisor, Head, Gaffer. Ah ha!"

The tiles rearrange themselves.

"Three lives remaining," says Victoria.

"Okay, so four of them are from Sick, Bad, Boss, Hip and Dope. What connects Art, Easel and Rap?"

"I think Hippo's right," says Nonnie. "It's got to be a painting thing."

"Shall we have a guess, then?"

"Boss is definitely in the cool stuff, because we tried the other four together. Try a different combo."

AO3 selects Sick, Bad, Boss and Dope...

...and the wall resolves.

"Well done, you've solved the wall with two guesses to spare. Now to get the extra points, you need to tell me the connections between the items. Whedon, Stone, Sticks and Paper?"

"Joss."

"They are indeed all things that can be preceded by the word Joss. Joss Whedon the director, Joss Stone the singer, scented joss sticks and Chinese joss paper. What about the next one?"

"They're all words for somebody in charge of other employees."

"Is exactly right. Sick, Bad, Boss and Dope?"

"They all mean something cool."

"I see you're down with the kids," says Victoria. She pronounces the phrase 'down with the kids' with the same careful unfamiliarity that she'd used for the Chinese phrase in round two. "They are indeed all positive slang words and the final category?"

"They're all to do with paint--" Nonnie begins, before being abruptly silenced by one of AO3's tentacles which has wrapped around her head with such force that they're both knocked off their feet.

"The letter W!" AO3 shouts from the floor.

"That _hurt_ " says Nonnie, extricating herself and punching AO3 in the head.

Victoria ignores them both.

"They're all things that form a new word when preceded by the letter W. So that's a maximum of ten points for getting everything right, leaving The Monarchs on 19 points and The Fans on 22 points as we go into Missing Vowels.

"Are you going to be okay?" Hippo asks Nonnie, quietly.

"I'm fine," says Nonnie, stalking back to the main studio to take her seat. AO3 gets awkwardly to their feet.

"And are _you_ okay?"

"I'm feeling a bit 503, to be honest," says AO3 and falls over again.


	5. Missing Vowels

Eventually, the two teams have been successfully installed back in their seats for the final round. AO3 still looks slightly dazed. Nonnie's expression is indistinguishable beneath her paper bag, but her body language indicates she's still angry at her teammate.

"And so on to round four," says Victoria, "the missing vowels round. Well known names, phrases or sayings from which we've removed the vowels and changed the spacing of the consonants. I want to know what they are. Your first category is Traditional Holiday Celebrations. Fingers on buzzers, your time starts... now."

**FRWR KSNG YFWK SNGH T**

Hippo buzzes in.

"Fireworks on Guy Fawkes Night"

"Correct," says Victoria and with a camera shutter noise, the full answer appears.

**STRG GSNS TRSN DY**

The Monarchs buzz in.

"Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday."

"Correct."

**PNCK SNSH RVTS DY**

The Monarchs are fastest.

"Pancakes on Shrove Tuesday".

"Correct."

**JCKL NTRN STHL LWN**

AO3 wakes up and smacks the buzzer with a tentacle.

"Jack O Lanterns at Halloween."

"Correct. Your next category is Things FailFandom_Anon Has Wanked About."

Two thirds of The Fans exchange pleased looks on hearing the category, but Nonnie slouches back in her chair and folds her arms.

**THCR RCTW YTCH PNNN**

Nonnie just sits there. The Queen from Royalty RPF buzzes in instead.

"The correct way to chop an onion."

"Correct."

**WHTH RTMC HNTM GNLT TSFR STWR LDPR BLM**

"Whether too much nutmeg on a latte is a first world problem," says the same queen.

"Correct."

**NRTC LNTH TLNT CBTP BCHR**

Hippo gives Nonnie a reproachful look, but The Monarchs are still unopposed as they buzz in.

"An article in The Atlantic about pubic hair."

"Correct."

**SHLD TMSL LCKS FCTN LCHL DRNB TLLR**

Hippo buzzes in and then stares at Nonnie expectantly. Nonnie appears to notice something fascinating on the studio ceiling and ignores Hippo completely.

"No?" Victoria says. "Then I'm afraid I have to deduct a point for buzzing in early and hand it over to The Monarchs."

"Should Tom Selleck's fictional children be taller," says The Queen.

"Correct, Your next category is Ménages à Trois."

AO3 and Hippo exchange a look and retrench themselves, leaning forward intently over the buzzer.

**HTTJ CQSJ HNLM SRRN DJHN SCHF LD**

Hippo buzzes in.

"Hattie Jacques, John Le Mesurier and John Schofield!"

"Correct."

**DTHN SBTH BRTB LNDN DLCH TSN**

A tentacle darts out.

"Edith Nesbitt, Hubert Bland and Alice Hoatson."

"Correct."

**SRWL LMHM LTNM MHML TNND DMRL NLSN**

AO3 hits the buzzer as the clue is still appearing.

"Sir William Hamilton, Emma Hamilton and Lord Nelson."

"I'm sorry, that's not quite right. Monarchs?"

The BFG Queen looks down at the jumble of letters and carefuly answers, "Sir William Hamilton, Emma Hamilton and _Admiral_ Nelson."

"Correct."

**ZRPN DDRT HYSH KSPR NDLG RDG**

Hippo buzzes in, but their answer is drowned out by the sound of violins.

"I'm afraid that means we're out of time," says Victoria. "The answer to that last clue was, of course, Ezra Pound, Dorothy Shakespear and Olga Rudge. So, looking at the final scores, the Fans have got a respectable 25 points, but the winners with 26 are The Monarchs, who will be going through to the finals. So join us next week for the finals of Only Connect: Fandom Edition, where The Monarchs will be up against Branestawm, Snape and Xavier: The Profess--"

"Wait a minute," says Hippo. "How did they know all the wanks from the anonmeme?"

The Monarchs draw upon a lifetime of training and smile back at Hippo politely and inscrutiably.

"It's a fair question, I suppose," says Victoria. "Just very good at wordplay I assume. Is that it?"

The Monarchs continue to smile blandly, but Nonnie looks at her teammates then slowly removes the paper bag from her head to reveal... Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of this Realm and of her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Bestower of Pony Icons, Slayer of the Poop Troll and Founder of the Meme.

"I'm Lilibet at home, she says cheerfully, but online I go by Sunny. Who did you _think_ kept posting in [this thread](http://fail-fandomanon.livejournal.com/44752.html?thread=204016336#t204016336)?"

"Well," says Victoria, "you heard it here first. Her Majesty the Queen has anon!failed on a highbrow quiz show on BBC Four. I estimate that if all our viewers tell all their friends and all their friends tell all _their_ friends, then by the time our next episode airs her secret identity will be known by as many as three people. Goodnight."

Victoria smiles at the camera then wanders off in search of the bar as the credits roll.

PRESENTER  
Victoria Coren

QUESTION EDITOR  
Adaptation Decay

QUESTION VERIFIERS  
Jenn Calaelen, Adaptation Decay's Mum

ADDITIONAL CONTENT  
Grace Sinn, the Yuletide IRC Channel, Nathan Fillion Hating Anon, an Anon who may or may not be The Queen

SOUNDS AND IMAGES STOLEN FROM  
Wiikipedia, YouTube, Google, PuzzGrid

BEST YOUTUBE COMMENT ENCOUNTERED  
The one about how the three people who downvoted the Water Music just couldn't Handel its awesomeness.

SHOULD DAFNA NOMINATE THIS FANDOM AGAIN NEXT YEAR  
Yes. And if she doesn't, I will...


	6. Playable Version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for people who would like to try their hand at the quiz before reading the story.

**Round One - What connects these four things?**

The Rover, Battersea Power Station, The Brownies, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Chintz, Biopsy, Almost, Abhors

Alice, Christopher, Lucy, Sophie

Mysteries, Unknown and Covert Knowledge, Administrative Affairs, Social Affairs and Citizenship

Sharon Osborne, Marge Simpson, Jamie Oliver, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

([Direct link to the music round in case the embed doesn't work](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSYIgkk7w1o).)

 

**Round Two - What comes fourth in this sequence of connected things?**

A Postage Stamp, Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Sigil of House Targaryen

Paranormal, Psychic Abilities, Telepathy

Sue, Party, Quiz in E A

Hitlers, Diver, Big Bird's Longhorn Allegros

四隻小鳥歌唱, Drei Französische Hennen, Deux Touterelles

 

**Round Three - The Connecting Walls**

[Play the first wall on PuzzGrid.com](http://puzzgrid.com/grid/1980)

[Play the second wall on PuzzGrid.com](http://puzzgrid.com/grid/1975)

 

**Round Four - Missing Vowels**

Traditional Holiday Celebrations

FRWR KSNG YFWK SNGH T  
STRG GSNS TRSN DY  
PNCK SNSH RVTS DY  
JCKL NTRN STHL LWN

 

Things FailFandom_Anon Has Wanked About

THCR RCTW YTCH PNNN  
WHTH RTMC HNTM GNLT TSFR STWR LDPR BLM  
NRTC LNTH TLNT CBTP BCHR  
SHLD TMSL LCKS FCTN LCHL DRNB TLLR

 

Ménages à Trois

SRWL LMHM LTNM MHML TNND DMRL NLSN  
HTTJ CQSJ HNLM SRRN DJHN SCHF LD  
DTHN SBTH BRTB LNDN DLCH TSN  
ZRPN DDRT HYSH KSPR NDLG RDG

Finished? Okay, it's time to tot up your score and see how you did by [returning to the fanfic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/608545/chapters/1096632)...


End file.
